This Year I Will... Conclusion

I like this book! This is the second time I've read it and it was helpful to me to blog about it... to get clear on the main points she is bringing across. But I am also aware that reading isn't enough... It has to be put into practice... Live it or lose it!

This Year I Will... Keeping Your Promise to Yourself

M.J. Ryan gives 12 tips for us to keep our promises to ourselves!

1. Make it Non-Negotiable - when/how/where is up for negotiation... but not THAT you WILL do it
2. Make it Actionable - No fuzzy-wuzzy things... have a concrete goal and concrete actions to get there
3. Come up with Solutions for your Usual Excuses - create strategies to deal with your usual excuses
4. Use Procrastination to your Advantage - look for real deadlines that will kick you in the butt!
5. Schedule it in - Put it in your daytimer and treat it like an appointment with someone else
6. Do it Daily - Make something part of your regular routine and it will begin to happen naturally
7. Monitor your Behaviour - put it down in writing and keep track
8. Focus on the Horizon - look at how far you've come... not how far you still have to go
9. Take it one Choice at a Time - Make conscious choices, not unconcious reactions... Choose differently
10. Find Someone who's doing what you want and imitate them - find a role model and imitate them
11. Teach it to Someone Else - become a mentor and practice what you preach
12. Treat Yourself Kindly - We're only human... we do the best we can... we screw up... hold yourself in love and treat yourself with kindness.

This Year I Will... Keeping Going III

So you've blown it... You had a cookie and now you might as well eat the whole box, right? Or you missed one workout, so you might as well skip a few more days, right? Wrong! You are going to screw up, you are going to blow it, but it's not the end of the world. Get over it and move on. It isn't what you did in the pasts that matters, it's what you're choosing to do now... So get back on track...

So you're making some changes... maybe losing weight, or getting organized or whatever... Instead of just focussing on your goals there, take a look at the heart and character strengths you are developing as well... for they will stand you in good stead long after you've lost those 20 lbs or gotten organized... Maybe it's courage or inner determination or tenacity or self-trust or patience... You'll discover some fire deep within yourself... that you never knew you had...

And somewhere along the way, if you stick with it, you'll find it comes more easily, more automatically... and you've created a new habit... Congratulate yourself!!! Enjoy your success...

So you're doing pretty good... your new habit is nicely ingrained... but then something happens and your routine changes drastically... and suddenly you're stressed and drinking Coke again... or skipping your workout... It happens, we go back to our old habits, because that old pathway is still there in our brain. Get clear on what stresses you out... is it deadlines? Is it too much on your plate? Plan in advance how you'll handle the stress...

And if you do screw up, don't listen to that voice that tells you "you can't do it", "you might as well give up"... M.J. Ryan recommends assessing the current situation, adjusting what needs to be done, admiring yourself for having the strength to start again and acting quickly to implement your new course of action (the 4 A's)...

This Year I Will... Keeping Going II

So, you screwed up... You didn’t manage to floss your teeth every evening this week. You snapped at your mother on Wednesday after 2 weeks of being pretty good... Guess what, you’re not perfect. That’s all. Nobody is... And the challenge in that is for us not to beat ourselves up, but to just get up and keep trying... keep doing it...

And if you do screw up... so what... Just remember, you can’t change what you’ve done... only what you are doing. So don’t give up hope... Realize that, for whatever reason, you haven’t kept your word and now acknowledge that and move on...

We all experience temptations to go back to the way things were. If we give up drinking Coke, we're going to experience cravings. M.J. Ryan suggests using a SIFT method to just be with your craving, be aware of it, but don't run screaming from it. SIFT stands for Sensations (what are the sensations in your body), Images (what images are coming up), Feelings (what emotions are you experiencing) and Thinking (what thoughts are you telling yourself).

Are you having fun yet?? No?? Well, having fun is one sure-fire way to make sure a new habit sticks. What would it take to make this new thing fun for you? Don't take yourself so seriously either...

And when things really seem overwhelming... why not ask for some help from other realms... divine, ancestral, whatever it is for you. Just ask for help and see what happens... And if help does show up (as it most likely will), remember to take it...

This Year I Will... Keeping Going I

Alright, so now what... How do you keep going through the inevitable pitfalls and slip-ups and disbelief from those around you? Well, there are a few things that can keep us going, according to M.J. Ryan.

One of them is to figure out what motivates you... Is it the social interaction? Competition? Achievement? Rewards? Personal Integrity? You've got to figure out what it is that keeps your momentum going... And what works for one person may not work for another person, so experiment and see what works for you...

Sometimes, we have the best of intentions and state our committment to something, but we end up not making it. What's up with that! M.J. Ryan suggests taking a look and seeing if there is another overriding committment that you are more committed to... She says we all have a core assumption or core belief that is self-protective, that kicks in when we are trying to alter something... What is your core assumption (you'll need to read p.154-159 of the book to get this in a deep way!)... I'm not loved. I don't matter. I'll never succeed. Life is too hard. Everybody is out to get me. I'm invisible.

We have habits (good and bad) because somewhere in there, they bring us satisfaction of some sort. The question for us is... is it lasting, long-term satisfaction and happiness or short-term? Having a bowl of ice-cream is short-term happiness... having ice-cream packed around our middle is not long-term happiness!! So the question to ask ourselves, whenever we are faced with a choice is... will this contribute to my long-term happiness/satisfaction? Stop and engage your thinking brain (not your emotional brain who wants it NOW)... and see what happens...

Not everyone is going to understand or even support the changes you are making in your life. In fact, if you've give up chocolate or desserts, you may find people trying to force them on you even more! It's for you to say "no"... and for you to make sure that you surround yourself with people who support you in your life and in your choices. It's your life, not theirs... Never live your life according to the opinions and judgements of others...

It's not only others who talk negative talk at us... It's ourselves! Those voices in our head that make us doubt ourselves, doubt our abilities... doubt everything actually. M.J. Ryan gives a couple of options to handle those voices, one is ABCDE model and the other is one developed by Byron Katie. In the second, when those voices get going and tell you that you are a loser... ask yourself four questions:
1 - Is it true?
2 - Can you absolutely know it is true?
3 - How do you react when you think that thought?
4 - Who would you be without that thought?
Try it and see...

This Year I Will... Getting into Action IV

Did you know that learning happens in 3 phases? The first is called Post Hoc - you recognize after the fact that you wanted to do things differently. This is good, because before, you weren't even aware enough to know what was going on. The second is called Ad Hoc - you're aware while you're doing it, that you want to do it differently. The third is Pre Hoc - you're learned it so well that you've got it in place before anything happens. It's great to be in the third stage... but you need to go through the first two stages to get there! And in that, you can feel like you're making no progress, because you're painfully aware of all your screw-ups... but at least you're aware of them! Just don't judge yourself as being "bad" and give up in defeat... Awareness of screw-ups means you're on the road of progress...

Changing in-grown habits is hard work... It requires committment, not a lazy-hazy attitude... It's a serious challenge, so show up that way... mentally, emotionally, spiritually... It's in showing up that we display our grit, our determination to succeed... It's not something you have, it's something you create when you choose to show up for what you really want for yourself...

So you're done some changes, now... how are you progressing?? It's good to spend some time in reflection, to do a post-game review. What worked? What didn't work? What could you do differently next time?

When you're making changes, it's helpful to think of it one day at a time... I will exercise today. And then tomorrow, I will do it again... Don't think "forever" and "never again"... your mind doesn't like that sort of stuff! It can handle doing without chocolate for one day. And then again tomorrow... Your brain wants to maintain the status quo, but is also hardwired for adaptation. Too much of a change and your mind strains to keep the status quo in place... Little changes it can handle though...

Finally, don't be so hard on yourself! So you didn't do yoga 2 days out of 2 weeks... Don't take it so hard. Appreciate yourself for what you do do... Be grateful for what you've accomplished... Focus on what you did wrong and chances are, that's what you'll get in your future. Focus on what you did right and... same thing, you'll get more of that in your future. So rather than focussing on beating yourself up, focus on appreciation and gratitude... and see what shows up.

This Year I Will... Getting into Action III

I don't have the time... It'll take too much time... There's never enough time... Uh-huh... Sound familiar. There's a saying by Lao Tzu that says "To say "I don't have time" is to say, "I don't want to"... So take a look and see where you say "not enough time"... and then see if the real thing is "I don't want to"... It's a great excuse for not getting around to the things that you say are important to you...

Sometimes though, we do get stuck and don't know what to do next... M.J. Ryan then recommends looking at the situation through someone else's eyes... So if you're having trouble getting organized, think of the most organized person you know and then ask yourself "what would they do right now"... And then go and do it... It may or not be what your organized person would do... but at least you're doing it... The trick is to get out of our own way and see it through a different lens... and then another option opens up for you... You have the solution within you... you just need to step out of your old habits and see something else...

The distance between an impulse (gotta have icecream!!) and action (getting icecream!) is half a second... That's not a lot of time to alter something! So, how can we increase the gap between impulse and action, so that we do have a choice and impulses don't rule our days? The trick is awareness... increasing our awareness of what we are doing... and what we would really like to do... You can even create that awareness in that half a second... It's like hitting the pause button on the TV... You can put reminders around the house, sticky notes that remind you that icecream is not the answer... You can get rid of the chocolate in the house... Get others to help you by being your awareness partners... All of it will help you develop a new habit...

So things maybe aren't going so well, and change isn't happening for you... Who do you blame? Yourself or others? Either way, you're making a lot of excuses for why it's not happening... Life is not perfect and you do get surprises and curve balls along the way. What's your back-up plan for those times? So the gym is closed today and you can't exercise... go to Plan B, riding your bike... but it's got a flat tire... so go to Plan C, going for a walk! There are always options...

Your brain can't tell the difference between you actually doing something and you imagining yourself doing the same thing... If you imagine scary things happening, for your brain, it's real and it's happening... If you imagine something great happening, same thing... it's real for your brain and it's happening for your brain... When you're doing this, you need to imagine seeing, hearing and feeling yourself in the situation... And it needs to be vivid imagination... in Technicolour... in all sensory modes...

This Year I Will... Getting into Action II

So, gujess what... you need to create SMART goals for yourself... Goals that are: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-Bound... For Specific, choose something you can pin down... "becoming a better person" is not specific... "express gratitude to others" is specific... For Measurable, you can't measure "more"... so drop the "more patience", "more gratitude" etc. Measure how often you express gratitude to others this week, for example...  For Achievable, you need to be realistic... Don't set yourself up for failure right off the bat by trying to lose 25 lbs this week... For Relevant, it has to matter to you... it has to be important to you... And for Time-Bound, set an "end" point, something in the future that you can aim for. Even if you plant on doing it for ever, an end point means it isn't as overwhelming, and you can always recommit at that point. Creating a Smart goal, means you have a sense of completion, which leads to satisfaction, which leads you to tackle something else, maybe a bit bigger...

Have you ever made a written contract with yourself? Maybe it's time to try it... To put something in writing about what you are up to... Putting it in writing is different than just saying it outloud... And it helps to get others involved too, because they can call you on your progress or lack thereof!

M.J. Ryan also recommends tracking your progress... How many days did you exercise this week as opposed to last week. What is your sense of patience today (-5 to +5)... what is it tomorrow? Next week? Next month? To just keep track of where we have been gives us a sense of moving forward. Because small changes do add up, but if we don't track them, we can get lost and not sense our progress...

Did you know you don't have to go it alone? Nope, you're allowed to get support for your endeavour! In fact, you're strongly encouraged to get support, in whatever shape or form required. We don't need to know it all... or go it alone. Take a look and see, whate sort of support would help you to move forward in whatever you are doing...

And it might feel awkward to start with. After all, you're trying to shift something that hasn't shifted for a while, if ever. It's OK to be a learner, OK to be awkward. M.J. Ryan talks about three zones in life: comfort, stretch and stress... We want to live in the stretch zone, where we're always stretching ourselves beyond where we've been... but not so much that we are stressed out! It's the best way to keep our brains healthy...

This Year I Will... Getting into Action I

Alright!! We are now moving into the action section... Enough talk about getting stuff done. It's time for the pedal to hit the metal... Or as J.R.R. Tolkien says "It's the job that's never started that takes the longest to finish"... Or as Nike says... "Just do it!"...

M.J. Ryan (remember, we are reading a book here), says the first thing to do is to focus... "focus people"!! I like it. Because I can get caught up in a to-do list that has 103 projects on it, and I get so overwhelmed by all of it that I end up doing nothing. She suggests focusing on one thing or one area, for a specific period of time. So, this could be The Week of Decluttering... And next month could be The Week of Patience... Or it could be The Year of Writing... Or whatever it is for you... But get clear on that first, instead of trying to do ix-number of things all at once...

Along those same lines, she recommends dividing things up and taking one small step... and then another small step. Rather than trying to write a book in a year, write a few lines each day... Rather than trying to lose 50 lbs all at once, start small and lose 1 lb... Or whatever it is... Introduce changes in small steps... Your brain will like it, because it won't see the small change as a threat, won't throw you into fear and won't send you screaming in the other direction...

Or if that doesn't work for you... for some people it might be better to tackle a huge challenge all at once. Especially if it's a life/death situation, or something equally serious. Where you need to make an about face right now! Maybe the small changes seem too small to you... Then try a big change...

But in all of that, it is for you to look and see what will work for you... We've all had successes in the past, so take a look and see... what worked for you there? What is your formula for success? Even if it was in a different area of your life from what you're looking at now... take a look and see what you can transfer from there to here...

A key piece of all of this is intention... to set your intention on what it is you are looking to do. Intention is not wanting, wishing or hoping... it is the intention to move forward and do it! She recommends using a ritual to engage your right brain as well... To state the intention and then practice the ritual... Whatever that might be for you... Without intention, we just drift around and nothing gets done... We go through life with shoulda/coulda/woulda instead of I can/I do/I am...

This Year I Will... Introduction

You've got a few bad habits and you want to change them... Or you've got a few good habits you'd like to add to your repetoire (like flossing before bed...)... Or you've had a dream that's been gathering dust on the backshelves of your life... Whatever it is... Now's the time to tackle it... Nobody says it's going to be easy mind you... If you're looking for easy, then go look elsewhere... If you're allergic to work, this ain't for you... If you don't have persistence... if you don't want it really bad... go take your luke-warmness elsewhere... But if you're up for a challenge, because it'll stretch you and transform you... then stick around! If you have desire, intent and persistence... then read on...

The truth is... anything we want to do... or don't want to do... comes from our thoughts. So, if you want to alter your life... alter your thoughts... We think we are in control of our lives, but really, we are the sloppiest thinkers ever... We let our thoughts rule us and twist us higgle-dee-piggle-dee this way and that way... It's like having a body that's flopping all over the place. You tell your arm to move up and it moves sidways... That's the sort of thought control we have... zippo...

Ryan has a few pieces of advice for us.... and the most common pitfalls for altering your life are:
1. Being vague about what you want
2. Not making a serious committment
3. Procrastinating and Excuse Making - no time, my dog ate my homework, wrong time, next time
4. Being unwilling to go through the awkward phase
5. Not setting up a tracking and reminder system
6. Expecting perfection, falling into guilt, shame, regret
7. Trying to go it alone
8. Telling yourself self-limiting rut stories
9. Not having backup plans
10. Turning slip-ups into give-ups

Yeah... we all do it... surprise!!! But this pitfalls don't need to grab us and hold us. We can do something different... So read on!