Time... again!

It seems that it always come back down to this for me... time, or the lack thereof. I feel caught in a web of too much to do and not enough time. So then I start cutting corners... I don't do my quiet time meditation in the morning... don't do my yoga stretches... don't do my morning pages... don't do my walks... don't get out into nature and guess what... I start to crash! I go into a slow nose-dive (sometimes fast), in which I begin to feel overwhelmed as if I have too much on my plate and there is just too much of everything and... ick... At some point, I begin to recognize that I have chopped out of my schedule all of those things that recharge my spiritual/emotiona/physical/mental batteries... and I begin to get on track. Wish I could do it sooner! It's like I need an alarm that signals when I am getting off track, derailed by everythign that I feel I need to do in my life... Of course... I do tend to ignore the warning signs and continue to scamper around in tiny circles, chasing my tail and complaining that everything is just too much... That sort of conversation, in and of itself, is an alarm for me!! Or should be... if I would only heed it's call. We all have different things that recharge us... and we ignore them at our peril. I'm reading a book right now called The Gift by Cecilia Ahern... about a guy who doesn't have enough time... Too busy with work and stuff to pay attention to his family. He makes choices all the time that favour work and not his family... I read that and think... silly bugger!! And yet, I am doing exactly the same thing and justifying it in all sorts of ways... Silly me! So, it's back on track... The one good thing is that I haven't started drinking coke again!!! Although the Christmas chocolate has mostly disappeared... sigh... But today is a new day... and a new year!! So... begin again...

Starbucks

I'm sitting here in a very busy starbucks, having my hot chocolate and deciding that I need to get a bit caught up on my Musings blog! I only have one more ready/scheduled to post and then I'm out in thin air again. That's the beauty of this blogging thing, I can have things post-dated, so they will pop up on certain dates and certain times. It's great for when I miss the occassional day... and it means I can have things scheduled to post at 5:00 AM or whenever and not have to be there to do it! Today is a bit noisy and the music isn't that great over the loudspeakers so I have my iPod going and that creates a certain space for me to type!

I've been thinking about this writing thing... if I really want to pursue it... then going to Starbucks everyday and having a hot chocolate is both expensive and potentially fattening! It is yummy though... and although I am cashing in Air Miles for the Starbucks card... it doesn't seem to be a long-term thing. I've heard of writers turning to drink but never to hot chocolate!! Maybe it's a first?? Anyhow... I was researching online yesterday and the Calgary Public Library has free wireless access... So... perhaps I need to check that out. The nearest one is up in West Hills/Signal Hill... near the Superstore... near the Indigo/Starbucks I often frequent... But it would be cheap... and it wouldn't be fattening! And there are lots of books up there, so it might even be like blogging in the Chapters?? Something for me to check out. Mind you, this starbucks I am in, and the other one at Glenmore Landing are both accessible via biking/walking (long walking)... so there is that to keep in mind. The library is a definite car ride... or is it?? Perhaps I need to re-look at that... And maybe there is a closer library or one that is more bike friendly...I am creating possibilities for myself!

Stalemate

I suppose one of the most frustrating things is to have the urge to write... and then to sit here and be unable to think of anything to write! It's not that I have writer's block... I have a gazillion things flitting through my head and I keep tossing most of them aside as "improper" for a blog! And so I'm just going to write about that. For my fingers do want to write, but it's just to pick a topic. Sometimes I find that all I need is for someone to say "write about "this" " and I'm good to go. It's just sometimes difficult for me to pick something to write about! I toss ideas aside as being too small or too big or too something! Quite frustrating.

Part of the frustration too is that I am wracked by doubt... well, maybe wracked is too strong a word... but doubt snaps at my heels... Is this writing thing going to work out??? How do I know??? It seems kind of pretentious for me to just leap out into the world of writing... quite impossible I would say! But then, I guess that's the whole point of making a declaration like that... it's supposed to be impossible, to be something that has nothing behind or in front to support it... It's just out there...

Some people have asked me, what book I'm going to write next... Well, there is the Bible Blog... but that's about 313 days away from being complete! There is the preaching book... but that's a ways away as well. There is the grandfather book... but that still needs a lot of work and research! So many ideas... and all sorts of reasons and excuses why things aren't ready! Some of it real... and some of it... convenient! There is of course the possibility of more unsung heroines. In my sojurn through the bible, I am uncovering more and more of them... so there is that to look forward to... I just need to get out there and do it!!! As Nike would say... Just Do It!!!!

Livery

You know, there are some words that you think are just dead and gone... Like livery... Quick, who knows what that is?? Without looking in the dictionary! I saw it twice yesterday!! On taxicabs... on their taxi-license plates. Yup, remember livery stable from the old days? Stables where you could rest and feed your horse? That was a livery stable... which then was used for the hackney cabs in London and elsewhere, horsedrawn cabs that you could rent... And voila... even though they aren't horse-drawn cabs anymore... we've kept the word livery in relationship to cars for hire... Go figure... Of course, livery is also used to describe the uniform or attire of servants, etc. And even the livery of an aircraft (the paint job). I wonder how many other words are out there, that we think are dead and gone... or have virtually forgotten the meaning of...??

It would be an interesting project to be more attentive to the words out there and think about them a bit... Looking outside, I see a container with "Litter only" written on it... Now there's a word that can mean a bunch of different things! A litter-bearer is... someone who carries a stretcher... so the stretcher is a litter... And then there is a litter of pups... we all know what that is... Not a mess of pups!! And not the mess they make on the floor! And then there is leaf litter... which is the uppermost of decaying stuff on the forest floor... And then our own most-common definition as "garbage"... more or less...

Maybe I've got too much time on my hands?? But it's no wonder English is such a hard language to learn!!!

Song of the Universe

Somewhere in my theological meanderings, I came across the idea that God, the Divine, the Universe, sings creation into being, each and every moment. That if God were ever to stop singing, creation would cease to exist. Now, I find it interesting that quantum physicists have figured out that everything in the universe is vibrating, is in motion... at various levels. The entire thing is like a grand symphony... with a hugely wide range of octaves! From the lowest/slowest vibration to the highest/fastest vibration. We are all just energy strings of vibration... Now, if God is singing the universe into being... does it not make sense that we are all singing that same song with God? That in our very existence, in our very vibration of being, we are joining that grand symphony, that grand orchestra and contributring to the most amazing piece of music/song ever created?? Makes sense, no? And just think... even the trees of the forest are singing... at their level of vibration... We can even hear it/connect with it... if we go into the forest and sit quietly and just silence our own thoughts, our own conversation and begin to listen to theirs...

We are born for music... everyone knows that... little kids love music, love to dance... love to sing. And then along comes a well-meaning school teacher who shushs the loud, exuberant, off-tune child to "just move your lips"... and the song of that child is muted and stifled... And we end up with a generation of adults who love music... but who are afraid to sing because they were told at some point that they really don't have a good voice... Wow... If ever there is a crime to the spirit... that is the one... To quash the song of one aspect of creation is to quash the spirit of that person/created being... So, wherever you are... sing, dance... join the greatest symphony in the world! If only in the privacy of your shower... or maybe out in the world??

DNA - Wholeheartedness

Nope, not that kind of DNA! Not genetic DNA!! This is something else... what my DNA is... what my unique giftedness, purpose... call it what you will is... What is the unique thing that I bring to the world? The unique space of being that I come from? We had a workshop about that and the eventual upshot of it was a very long, convoluted thing, that could be basically condensed to "building bridges"... which really didn't resonate with me. I mean a little bit. I can build a bridge for you between geology and theology, between the bible and our lives... but it really doesn't speak to me of who I am and what I really bring. Someone else suggested "wholeheartedness"... which has more of the ring of truth!!! I do through myself into things wholeheartedly... whatever that might be... organizing a garage sale, cleaning the house, studying theology, working in a parish, cooking for people. I am a wholehearted type of gal! Which means... I can get myself wholeheartedly into trouble too! But it also means that... if I can't, for some reason, be wholehearted about something... I am torn... And the difference between me being wholehearted and me being not wholehearted is quite marked apparently... or so I am told! But I sense it within myself as well... So, for me it is to be wholehearted in whatever I take on... whether it is cleaning toilets... doing paperwork... writing a book or a blog... etc. etc... And if circumstances from outside get in the way of my wholeheartedness... then either get out of the way of them or... charge right on through...

Best Laid Plans

I like to come to Starbucks and blog... But the closest Starbucks has had a water main break... and it's been out of commission for the last 3 days! Which is very frustrating... I sort of know when a good time to go there is... 9:30 am... morning rush is over and mid-morning rush has not yet begun. But now... I am driving around looking for the next best one. Which right now is the Indigo Starbucks. This is the one that is usually overrun my moms and tots! This morning is no different... except I got here at the crack of 9:30 when the store opens and I had my pick of tables. But now, an hour later, it is a zoo of moms and tots and others. It's kind of nice to see so many people here. There's even a little children's table next to me with 4 little kids colouring and sipping their water. It's nice to see Starbucks having concern for the little one. I also have to admit, a coffee shop in a bookstore is a grand idea! Although I do (most times) make it out of here without buying anything... there are times when I am sorely tempted... so it makes sense to have a partnership like this. I know there are Starbucks in Safeway... but that is not as "fun" for someone who wants to sit and write... Too much bus-y-ness there.

A Plan

I'm facing a new phase in my life... leaping out and taking on writing in a whole new way. And I need a plan!! Need something that is going to give me a focus and a direction... a plan of how to make it happen and how I can enter into this process wholeheartedly, but not higgle-dee-piggle-dee... At the same time, I need to hold a certain space for the unknown and the unexpected! Which seems a little paradoxical to me, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. I suppose there's lots of room out in the universe for whatever needs to show up... and it's all about how I hold/experience whatever shows up. I can hold it as a trial or as a block or as an obstacle to be overcome... Or I can hold it as something that is an opportunity for me to embrace what is unknown and create something new. It would be pretty horrible to be stuck as the same me day after day and year after year... I guess I am in development with being in development!

Encyclopaedia Brittanica

I'm reading a book right now about a guy who decided to read through the whole Encyclopaedia Brittanica... all 66,000 pages and 33 volumes or whatever it is... A.J. Jacobs is his name. I saw it in Chapters before Christmas and it looked interesting. So far, he's gotten as far as the G's... It's kind of fascinating really... to think of reading something that volumnious and momentous... One of the most recent things he's noticed is that back in the 1700/1800's, sort of post-Renaissance, lots of people were an interesting mix of things: lyricist/astronomer, poet/naturalist. There was a mix of arts and science. Somebody like Goethe for instance, was a lot of things during the course of his life... And A.J. laments the fact that nowadays we need to specialize... You can't just be a biologist... you have to be an expert in the Northeast clipper clam sexual reproduction system or something equally silly. Specialization has taken things to a whole new level... but in that, we've lost the connection with other fields, other disciplines. There is no cross-pollination anymore! Now, I know that some fields are looking at "wholistic" approaches, like "whole earth systems analysis"... looking for how everything is related... but still... Anyhow, I don't feel so bad with my geologist/paleontologist/forestry/theology/photography/writer approach to life!!! It's a good thing to have a diverse approach to life!! I make connections that might not appear to others... I have to admit, I do like the scientist/theologian mix... And it is not an uncommon mix from way back when. Think of Teilhard de Chardin...

Hoarders

This morning on the web news, there was an article about an elderly Calgary woman who is a hoarder, and how they are trying to seek help for her. Hoarders are, generally speaking, elderly people who keep what most of us would consider junk... and keep it to a whole other level than we do! There is an A&E TV show about hoarders and my mouth just falls open sometimes at the piles of stuff. People have trouble moving around... the bed is covered with stuff... and they don't want people to come over and visit. It's gone way beyond cleaning up and decluttering! And I wonder at that... wonder at the level of consumerism that our culture has taken on... Where things become more valuable than people. Where things become the level of our relationships. This one lady refused to un-hoard her house, even though it meant she would lose contact with her daughter, who had had enough. Nowadays, they are classifying hoarding as a mental disorder... but we all have a little streak of hoarding in us... Especially if our parents grew up during the Depression and learned to keep everything to reuse it again! But there is always a balance and everything, and hoarding takes it way over the edge! What also strikes me, is that its so clear to us... and so "not clear" to the hoarders... And I wonder about the things that we do that are so "clear" to others... and so "not clear" to us!

Possibilities

Sometimes I think I'm starting to repeat myself!!! Didn't I just have a posting on possibilities?? Not sure... anyhow... today's posting is hopefully going to be different! I am in the middle of what I call a "nexus" point in life. It's a point of transition, a point where what has been begins to end... and what is yet to come has not yet been born. So all these threads are coming down into this nexus point... and what will come of of that has yet to be revealed. I've experienced it before in my life... and it's not always a pleasant place to be in! It's a time of turmoil and confusion and uncertainty and fear and conversations of no possibilities... Or conversations of possibilities... It's my choice... One of the most helpful things I received when I was studying theology was a little piece in our Lay Spiritual Formation seminar. It was a one page hand out on transitions... how there are endings and a neutral period and beginnings. For me, it is to allow the neutral space to be... a space of confusion and transition... where the past has not quite ended and the future has not quite been born...  I have to have a certain patience with myself during this period and just let it be... I, of course, keep wanting to move forward NOW! I want things to resolve themselves NOW! And I want the future to present itself NOW! Ah well... for me it is to be patient and to allow the universe and the divine spirit to move and create what is yet to come... all of the future is a sea of opportunities... for everything that might come...

Reading Books

In case you haven't figured it out yet... I am a book nut! Love reading books!! Love the sense of discovery in each and every one. My one weakness is... I like to read multiple books at the same time. Right now, I think I have about 10 books on the go... and more keep piling up. The one good thing is... most of the books on my bookshelves, I have actually read... I've also decluttered quite a bit and gotten rid of tonnes of books in the past. But every once in a while, I do need to go through and cull them again. Last night I read a quick book called "The Key"... written by a Zen Buddhist monastery in California. It was a quick little read and I should probably have read it slower, but it was fascinating. The idea that we create our own reality. The problem does not lie with the externals, people, places, things, situations, but HOW we hold the people, places, things, situations. Accept what is and transform your experience of it. A simple concept, and one I've come across before, but also a tough nut to crack. So much more satisfying to wallow in suffering and lament about what "is" and try to change what "is" and complain and blame and sigh... Satisfying to no one really... but somehow we've become addicted to suffering and think that if we're not suffering, something's wrong. What would my life look like if I could just accept what is... in this moment, and not try and change the people involved... not try and change the situation... just accept it for what it is... That might change my reality... Correction... that would change my reality!!

New Year

Alright... so I had the best of intentions when the New Year rolled around... to let go of the chocolate... to exercise more... to drink more water... And so far, not doing so well with that! And yet, this morning is the start of a new year... Yup, it's January 18 and it is the start of a new year... Maybe not the official New Year. But each and every day is a new beginning. Each moment is a new beginning. And every moment I have a choice as to how I am going to live my life. What am I going to choose in this moment and in the next moment and the next... So, if I fell off the chocolate bandwagon yesterday, that doesn't mean that all is lost... I can begin again today. I think we put an awful lot of pressure on ourselves with this New Year resolution stuff. If we decide to give something up and then we fall off the bandwagon, we feel that the whole thing is toast and we might as well give up for the rest of the year! But the truth is, we can begin anew each and every day. For example, I gave up drinking Coke on July 6, 2009... a weird date to be sure, but it was the start of a new year for me... and so far I've been holding to that. And the longer I stay off of it, the better my chances are of not giving in to the temptation to have "just one" today... Now, the chocolate thing is a whole different kettle of fish!

Procrastination

Have you ever put something off? Over and over again?? I just keep pushing some things from one To-Do list to the next To-Do list... hoping and praying that somehow, somewhere, the things will get done. And they don't! I am an expert procrastinator... and can justify my delays in all sorts of ways!! I don't have time right now. It's going to take longer than I have time for. I have more important things to do. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it on the weekend. I'll do it sometime. I need to get psyched up to do it. I don't have everything that I require to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to say.

Blah, blah, blah!!! Sigh... Procrastination is another one of those disempowering things. It's like the things that I procrastinate on are weights that I carry with me. Individually they don't weigh all that much... a few ounces here and a few ounces there... That's really not going to add up to all that much, right? But they do add up quickly, and I feel like I am carrying this masive weight around with me, dragging me down, weighing me down. And I know that!! But I still do it... I seem powerless sometimes to do anything different. Which is all a load of bullshit as you know! It is my choice... and I often choose to put things off. I don't own my choices but try to blame other circumstances or people for why this thing is not happening. Not a very empowering way to live. I am actually giving my power away to the things or people around me. Ick... So.. what to do... what to do??? Maybe I'll think about it for a bit and come up with a new To-Do list??? Heh-heh... or just... "DO IT"!!!

Unstuck

I think one of the most frustrating things in life has to be being stuck! Whether it is being stuck in an airport waiting for a flight that has been delayed for hours. Whether it is being stuck in traffic that is moving at a snail's pace... literally! Whether it is being stuck in mud or snow. Whether it is being stuck in a beliefs or prejudices. Whether it is being stuck in fear. Whether it is being stuck at a crossroads, unable/unwilling to make a choice. In all of these, there is an inability to move forward, and sometimes just an inability to move at all! We are beings of movement and creation. To be stuck is to start to the process of stifling and killing our spirit. For movement and creation gives us hope for the future... for something else... for something different. When we are stuck... we are going nowhere... and our spirit chafes at this.

But when we get moving... ah then things begin to spread out! We can see movement... we see the transformation within us and within our space almost immediately. We begin to create space for something else to show up! There are many things that keep us stuck... stuck doing the same things day after day... What would it take for you to get unstuck? What would it take for you to shift into something else? A new way of thinking? A new way of being? A new way of creating life? Sure, it involves risks... but life is like that... there are risks as well in staying stuck... and sometimes far dire consequences than leaping out and taking a chance on something new and something different. What is keeping you stuck?

Time... Time... Time!

Alright, 10:30 am is not a good time to try and get into a Starbucks... anywhere!! My regular one was full... and the one here in Indigo is not exactly empty. I am sitting in one of their lounger chairs which is not ideal for typing. My shoulders are up around my ears and that is never a good thing for neck muscles! But... I am here... and trying not to complain! I have a hot chocolate and life is good. I am surrounded by books... everywhere books... and that is a soothing thing as well. I love the look of books. love the feel of books. Love the sense of the unknown that I experience in books! There are so many books out there and each of them holds a tiny universe enclosed within its pages... some connection with the eternal well of inspiration. Each author has drunk from that well and created something that is unique. I want to read all these books... and know that that will never be a possibility. But, it is an exciting thing to see them all out there... This morning, when I came here to Indigo's, the Starbuks tables were full of mothers with their little ones, toddlers who can barely walk. Was there a reading hour here this morning? Something for mothers and their children? Is there perhaps a mom and tots walking group that converges here? Who knows... It is heartening though, to see so many little ones running around, picking books off of shelves and trying to get their mothers to buy them. Clearly, they have connected with the idea that there is a world to be discovered in the pages of each book... and they are natural born explorers and want to venture forth on that journey of discovery! They say that with the internet and e-books, that paperbooks will disappear... Perhaps... perhaps not... There is something wondrous in openning a book and turning the pages... something that no electronic method has yet surpassed!

Procrastination

Have you ever had that feeling of dithering, of prorastinating on making a big decision... and you keep going around and around and around... and nothing gets done... and it's a whole lot of indecision and suffering! It's a horrible space to be in and... yet, we keep going back into it... or at least I do... Sigh... I think sometimes I believe that if I postpone on making a decision that things will become clearer or that God is going to erect a giant "do this, not this" sign. So far, that hasn't ever happened, but hope does spring eternal! A few days ago, one of the "inspirational" subscriptions that I get as email said that it was time to get clear on who I choose to be and what I choose... I find it amazing how these emails so often reflect exactly the state that I am in... and perhaps it is time to choose... And then a part of me retreats in fear and doesn't want to choose anything! Why can't the world just continue as it is... why does anything have to change. I mean, really, it's not all that bad right now... and who knows what the future might look like if I make a leap right now... Although, to be completely honest, the future could be amazingly fulfilling... if I just stepped into it... So... to leap into the future or not??

Seeking Inspiration

Part of my issue with writing is that I feel, sometimes, like I have nothing to write about. I need a subject, something that will give me focus. As I sit here, staring into space, I can see all sorts of things around me, but I don't think I can write about any of them, so I just sit here and don't write! Sigh... I do much better when I have a topic, and I guess it is for me to break through and see potential topics everywhere... but do I trust my ability to write that much?

There is a glass door to the outside near me and the guy with the dog, has the dog tied up next to it. The dog likes to lie against the door and try to keep at least one side of himself wind-free. Every once in a while though, the wind rattles the door and the poor dog jumps up and looks at it because he thinks someone is coming outside... No such luck. He does havea  very woe-be-gone face and although I can see his puppy-dog eyes, his owner can't. I don't think I'd be able to sit in view of my dog, all nice and toasty warm, having him or her watch me and knowing that outside it is blustery and cold!! I'd want to sneak the dog inside! Ah well...

So, perhaps my next project here will be to just write about the paint colour on the walls or something! We'll see how it goes tomorrow...

Starbucks at 5:30 am

I'm kind of surprised to see how many people are here on an early weekday morning! Somehow I have this notion that most people don't get up all that early and yet... There are a number of people here, some of them already regulars... There's me of course, and the baristas are already starting to chat a bit more with me, even after just 3 visits. Then there is the older gentleman with the ball cap. He leaves his dog outside and then comes in to read the morning paper and sip some sort of coffee drink. He's been here every morning I've been here... and probably on the mornings when I haven't been here! Then there is a guy from the parish I used to attend. He seems to just sit and stare into space and watch people as he sips his drink. Perhaps this is is his contemplation time? And a couple of others, whom I haven't seen here before... but I suppose they could be regulars... I'd have to be here longer to find out!

I could see how a little community could begin to form here. Most places we go, we never see the same people again... Whether it's Safeway or a coffee shop... or the bank. Even some of the tellers or checkout people I don't recognize all that much. Maybe because I don't go often enough? Here, if I were to come every day... I could see that familiar faces would start to appear. And familiarity is what creates the potential for connection and the potential for friendship. If all we ever see every day is strangers... well... the odds of connecting with strangers is pretty slim. But if we develop a routine and encounter others with a similar routine... well, who knows!

Somehow though... even with the routine, we don't always make the connection. At Sobey's, for example, there are very regular checkout faces, the same girls/women over and over again. And yet the opportunity for connection is minimal... at least that's my story! I think someone else, who is much more outgoing, could connect with them far more easily. Or perhaps it's not even "easily"... perhaps it is just that I need to make an effort to connect, to reach out... If I keep waiting for others to reach out... and they are waiting for me to reach out... well, it could be a while before anybody connects with anybody!

Four Agreements

A few years ago I read a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements. He's one of those Toltec wisdom people and spirituality writers. The four agreements are amazingly simple and are basically this:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
2. Don't make Assumptions
3. Don't take things personally
4. Always do your best

He says that living any one of them can transform your life, but that the first three, while quite simple, are very difficult. The fourth one though is easily within our reach... and also has the power to transform our lives. Always doing my best means doing it with everything that I have and everything that I am. It means that I don't settle for second-best effort. That I am always putting my all into things. That I am being wholehearted. Now, that is pretty much how I do live my life... mostly...

The other three are a work in progress... more later!

Bible Blog

I've been desperately trying to get a few days ahead on my bible blog, being involved with a workshop at the moment... And not doing too badly. I am more than halfway through Leviticus and finding that it not quite the fearsome read that I thought! I was worried I might not find anything to post about... or not find any insights into a book that is so... deadly boring! But, it is working out quite well. And it is challenging me to look again at some of my own prejudices and the things in my life that separate me from others.

This morning, I am sitting in Starbucks and having a great time. I thought it only openned at 6 am or 7 am, but it opens at 5:30 am on weekdays! So, I could come here most mornings and happily blog away while the rest of the world slumbers on. I do find these early morning hours to be very productive. All the world is quiet and I can think and write and just allow the words to flow out! Not to mention, sip on a yummy hot chocolate! That is one of the perks of coming here... along with 2 hours of free wireless access... it is a match made in heaven. And their background music is pretty good... Right now it is... Bing Crosby??? You know the song... "Heaven, I'm in heaven".... or it could be Fred Astaire or Frank Sinatra... one of those crooners! Fairly good music to write to, which is nice... I also just noticed that there are plugs here in Starbucks, so I could plug my laptop in next time and not run my battery into the ground... Something to think about!

Remind me of the Right Questions!

Clearly I need to review the Right Questions often!!! Today, I had many opportunities to use the right questions, and make the right choices and I didn't. I chose to do things that weren't always in line with my own highest interests, but chose things that would please others or make their life easier. So, for me there is this struggle. Am I doing something because it will be "good" for me... or because it will make someone else happy. So, once again, I am reminded that it is for me to make the choice... to stand up for myself and to choose what will fulfill me and move me forward. Hard to do sometimes... Hard to say "no" for me... Much easier in the moment to go with the flow... and yet afterwards I am kicking myself and feeling like crap. And it seems that it is becoming more connected... more noticeable. So the more disconnected I am from myself, the more connected I am to that disconnect! I can't hide from the unfulfilling aspects of my poor choices... they are coming out more and more strongly... Almost like I am developing a more balanced polarity of the fulfilling and the unfulfilling... I think many of us live our lives in that middle zone... where there isn't too much happening, no wild extremes... no great "ah-hah, eureka" moments, but not a lot of "in the depths of despair" moments either... We just go through life, pretending that we can have things run off of our backs like water off of a duck... We say "whatever" and pretend that we are moving on... But are we really? Or are we stuck in the doldrums of the middle... where not much happens...

Forest Elephants

I was watching a 60 minutes show a few days ago and they had a piece on a scientist named Andrea Turkalo who is studying forest elephants in the Congo Basin. They are doing research on mapping out the elephant language and say that it is very complex. I learned a few things about elephants that surprised me. They showed a little clip where a baby elephant had died and several elephants kept trying to revive the little guy. Eventually, faced with its death, the elephants formed a procession to pass by the dead elephant, gently touch it and then utter some noises. They will even bury the elephant under grasses and branches. Each elephant did this and the researchers were comparing it with a funeral procession. Piqued by this, I did a bit of research (wikipedia!) and apparently elephants are very high on the intelligence, self-awareness, altruism and emotional scale. They are comparable with primates. Which makes me wonder... how is that we continue to see ourselves, as humans, as somehow above and beyond the "animal kingdom". Over and over again we are faced with evidence that we are not the only self-aware beings in the world... and yet we continue to act as if we are the only ones that matter. Perhaps the elephants have something to teach us?

Coaches

I don't have anything as formal as a personal life coach, but I am clear that I need to seek advice and inspiration from sources outside myself. I read somewhere that coaches can come in various forms. They could be people I meet along the path... or they could be people I never meet... books I read, inspirational quotes that cross my path at opportune times. I am finding that coaches come in a variety of guises and it is exciting to see how they all start to point in the same direction. Many of the books I read are beginning to say the same things but in a slightly different way. And it is eye-opening and excitiing and scarey at the same time. It all makes sense at a very deep level and yet some of the stuff challenges widely held cultural beliefs that we have held for many years. Are we on the edge of a new humanity? Are we shifting to something else? Is our world being called to radically alter itself in order to avoid catastrophe? And who has the power to create that transformation? Ultimately we do... and yet if we stay stuck in our smallness... we will achieve nothing. So, it is for us to let go of the smallness, of all that separates us from God, from self, from others and from creation. Anything that serves to divide us is clearly not creating the future... just keeping the past stuck and perpetuating more of the same. For anything new to occur, we must be open to having our minds, our hearts, our spirits openned to possibilities that we would never have considered before...

Deepak Chopra

I was out for lunch the other day at a place called Kaffa's in Marda Loop here in Calgary. A cute place from the outside with patios and decks and the restaurant in a little old house. This was the first time I was in there and it was as cute inside as it was outside. Mostly Mexican cuisine and it's obvious that they are more of a coffee house than a restaurant, but it was still a nice place to sit down and eat. In the foyer, they had some local newspapers and postings of upcoming events in Calgary. One of them was as flyer for Deepak Chopra. He's coming to the Jubilee Auditorium here in Calgary on Feb 18, 2010!!! Wow... I, of course, have to quickly scan my mental calendar and figure out if I am at a workshop or not... This date is great because I'll be in between workshops. The topic of his talk is Reinventing the Body-Resurrecting the Soul. I've read quite a few of his books and he is part of this new consciousness movement... the one that blends quantum physics with spirituality into something that is very compelling and makes perfect sense. I figure it won't be all that often that I will get to see him... so after a bit of dithering... decided to get tickets. Having just been to the Jubilee Auditorium to see Jesus Christ Superstar... I know that the odds of getting a seat where you can see anything are small... so got seats up in the Second Balcony for $50 each! Not bad... I am looking forward to this... something to enliven the spirit and spread my consciousness wide open!

Shaggy Hair

Have you ever noticed how your hair can go from being fine one day to way too long the next day? It happens overnight it seems! And then it is way too long and getting longer and I keep putting off a haircut because it hasn't reached the point of being unbearable. But in the meantime I am getting longer and shaggier! And there always seems to be some excuse as to why I don't have the time to go and get a haircut or do what needs to be done. I am a great procrastinator and it shows up in my hair! Part of it is that I haven't found a great hair place here in Calgary. Mind you... in PG I just went to Zellers and the Magic Cuts there. Depending on who was working on the day I went in, I could walk out with a half decent haircut or I could walk out with a rather poor cut... uneven on the sides or way too short or just looking goofy... But it was cheap and I knew I could just walk in most times and get my hair cut! Ah well... I wonder at that... the propensity we have to push things ahead of us if they seem too difficuult or time-consuming. And, just like my hair, the things get longer... or wider and deeper or more involved. It would be far better to just handle things as they come up. Somehow though, we think that putting things off will make them easier or something. Truth is... they don't get easier and we just feel more guilty or put upon as they pile up ahead of us. To take a line from Nike... far better to "Just Do It!"...

Cooking up a Storm

Over Christmas, we had quite a few people over for dinner... the full meal deal. Complete with appetizers, main course and dessert. And because I was the stay-at-home one... and because I had the time and the inclination... I got to do the cooking!!! Now, I've had a story going on for a long time, based primarily on my mother's experience, that cooking is a drag! It takes a long time, it's an effort to get everything together and done at the same time and people won't really enjoy it anyhow, so what's the point! I've held onto that story for a long time... but what I discovered this Christmas season is that I do like cooking! And in fact, entertaining is not that hard after all! Some people were 1/2 hour late... and it didnt' really phase me at all, it was OK!! Surprise!!! And I tried out a few new things, like baked brie... and boiling a ham, that I had never done before... and it worked out very well. Thank God for Google and the ability to consult a gazillion recipe options and find something that can be modified to work and produce a yummy result... So now... it is the New Year, and I am actually thinking of taking a cooking class... just for the fun of it! The last cooking class I took was in Grade 8... and it was not all that much fun... I remember being mostly frustrated and not really learning a lot... But, I am open to a different experience... and who knows where it might lead!!

New Year Yoga

Yup... it's a new year offiically... January 4 and a Monday... a new work week... a new year... a new leaf to turn over. I have made the committment with myself that I am going to do yoga every morning... I find that the stretches and the moves are really helping my hips and it is so much more fulfilling to go through life without pain than groaning everytime I bend over. So... there is the yoga... which is really quite simple and basic... maybe I'll even go out and take a course or something. Right now, it's just the yoga cards and me... and doign the moves as best I can do them... A few years ago, I probably would have run screaming in the other direction from the idea of doing yoga... Yoga is bad you know... one of those New Age things! I remember in BC, one school district wanted the kids to all learn yoga and there was a huge uproar from concerned parents who thought this meant that their kids would be learning buddhism and doing "om" things and getting led down the garden path. Myself, I think kids doing yoga could be the best things going for them! They are extremely flexible to begin with, and doing yoga does help to keep you flexible! By the time you reach my age, the flexibility of youth is gone and it's a lot of groaning and disbelief at how tight the muscles are and how stiff I am in the mornings... So, yoga could help with that! I notice a difference already. Early on I had given up hope of every mastering the Spinal Twist move... at least on my left side. The right side wasn't too bad, but if I tried it on the left side I just fell over. My body would not move/bend that way!! And now... I can do it!! Mind you, the Hero move is still an impossibility for me... but I do have hope that one day I will master it. So... I am opening myself up to other spiritual and physical practices... learning that I don't have to be scared of things that I don't understand or don't know about!

Musings on Chocolate

I've begun to wonder why we sabotage ourselves with chocolate... correction... why I sabotage myself with chocolate! I'm not sure about you guys out there... but maybe you do too... Here we are a few days after New Year's Day... a day when many of us make resolute resolutions about the New Year... losing weight, cutting the chocolate, exercising more... communicating more with friends and family... all those good things... And yet, it is a scant week after Christmas that we dare to make those resolutions... Christmas, when many of us get chocolates and cookies and who knows what else...So... what to do with all that chocolate??? Eat it all before New Year's Day??? Total pig out on chocolate??? Or save it and then have it carry forward into our New Year... guaranteed to sabotage our resolutions?? I know... I should be able to have chocolate in the house and be able to pace myself with it... but I don't... or I can't... or I choose not to... And some of this stuff is very yummy... So maybe it's time to give it away?? Nope... can't do that!!! Some of it is already openned and we can't give that away, now can we?? Sigh... I think chocolate should be saved for St. Nicolaus... December 6... we can get all the chocolate we want then... and have a few weeks to get it out of our system, or through our system and can then enter the New Year with a new found resolve to ignore the chocolate monster!! Mind you... I am doing well with no Coca Cola... so there is hope for me yet!!

Divinity or Humanity

10. Am I choosing from my divinity OR am I choosing from my humanity?

Another great question... In this instance, in this moment, am I choosing the high road or the low road? Am I choosing from my humanity with all of its fears and insecurities... or am I choosing from my divinity? In the book, Debbie talks about choosing from my humanity as leading to outer success but inner mess! Feeling empty and exhausted and ultimately unfulfilled. It's the difference between seeing the small picture (from our humanity) and the big picture (from our divinity). Our humanity has many of our gifts and talents to share, but it is also where our fears and limitations show up. What would my life look like today if I were to stop surviving and to really start thriving? What is my vision for me life... the vision that inspired me as a younger person, the vision that somehow got lost in the hustle and bustle of surviving life??

In all of this... in these 10 questions, we can't go it alone. It always helps to have a coach, someone who encourages us when we are faltering, keeps our vision before us and cheers us when we are on track. Someone who calls on our greatness when we would be content to stay in our smallness. Who is your coach? Could be a friend or co-worker...

This is a great little book! And I think I'm going to have sticky notes posted around the office and at home with the different questions... calling me to choose the higher path... The author says there are no extraordinary people... only ordinary people who make extraordinary choices. People who wake up from their routine and who choose something different other than the same old same old...

A New Year

Well... this is highly civilized... I am sitting in Starbucks (it is not January 1... a few days before actually), and I am typing this on my new laptop (a Christmas present from my GEM!)... sipping a hot chocolate and amazed at the fun that this is creating! I am writing for my blog while sitting in a coffee shop. Somehow this ties into my story/vision/whatever of what writers do... so maybe I'm a writer?? Yeah... yeah... this is the year of the Writer in my books! This laptop thing is to support me in being able to write wherever and whenever... so, it is working out well... I wasn't sure about wireless access but Starbucks (bless their hearts) has a deal with Bell wireless where customers with a Starbucks account can sit in a Starbucks, log in using their account and get 2 whole hours of FREE wireless access!!! Very cool!!! I may have to create another account with another id for another 2 hours... so we will see... And now i see that it has an error while saving so I might have to check connectivity... ah we're back... that's good! I would hate to type all this stuff in and then find that I had lost it all!!! Anyhow... I am enjoying myself immensely... So... just thought I'd put that our there... I am looking forward to sitting in the backyard during the summer and typing away... Taking my laptop on a bike ride and typing away at a picnic table somewhere... or sitting on a beach... not necessarily connected to wireless... but still... I have projects I can work on! And I am bouncing up and down with excitement at this idea of being able to write whenever and wherever I am!!! Very way cool... have I mentioned that yet???