I think community is very important. Especially regarding faith and worship. If there is one thing that I miss from Church, it is the sense of community. But even there... people would come and go at Mass... and you wouldn't see them again all week. But sometimes, you'd connect and make friends with people. So, in that regard, Church is a great way to make connections with like-minded people and develop friendships, particularly if you get involved in the Church.
So, one of the things that is important for me to develop as I embark on this journey, is a community of like-minded individuals. It's important to have people to bounce ideas off of... to share ideas and insights... And I am developing that... so that is something that I need to continue to develop. You never know where you might meet people who share a similar spirituality. It's just a matter of striking up conversations.
The edge of Ideas. The edge of Connections. The edge of the Unknown. And... in 2020... reading my way (again) through a hefty list of World-Changing books.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
In the Backpack - Baptism
I was baptized as a baby. I think I was probably 2 weeks old and obviously didn't have much say in the matter. But it's not something that I would reverse. It's part of what has made me into the person that I am today, so why would I reverse or alter that? What is baptism for me... immersion into the life, death and resurrection of Christ... immersion into the life of the divine. It is our uniquely Christian way of bringing a child into the fold of Christ. There are other ways of immersing oneself into the life of the divine... but for Christians... baptism is it.
I know that some people want to erase their baptism, seeing it as a way of removing themselves from the Church. It doesn't work that way. And for me, baptism isn't so much related to the "church" community, as it is to the divine community. That's not something that I want to leave...
One thing that has perplexed me around baptism is the giving of the baptismal candle. I know what it signifies... I know why we give it but... what happens to the candle afterwards? It is lit at the baptism, handed to the parents or godparents and they are enjoined to keep the light of Christ burning in the life of the child. But then, it is blown out. Kind of a mixed up symbolism. "here's a candle... keep it burning... now blow it out".
My baptismal candle had "1966" on it... along with a red cross. It has traveled with me in my trunk for the last few decades. I wondered about it... what does one do with a baptismal candle? Well, I burned mine. I lit it and let it burn down. That was a couple of weeks ago. The world didn't end. I didn't die. Lightening didn't strike. The light is still burning bright in my soul... and I feel lighter.
I know that some people want to erase their baptism, seeing it as a way of removing themselves from the Church. It doesn't work that way. And for me, baptism isn't so much related to the "church" community, as it is to the divine community. That's not something that I want to leave...
One thing that has perplexed me around baptism is the giving of the baptismal candle. I know what it signifies... I know why we give it but... what happens to the candle afterwards? It is lit at the baptism, handed to the parents or godparents and they are enjoined to keep the light of Christ burning in the life of the child. But then, it is blown out. Kind of a mixed up symbolism. "here's a candle... keep it burning... now blow it out".
My baptismal candle had "1966" on it... along with a red cross. It has traveled with me in my trunk for the last few decades. I wondered about it... what does one do with a baptismal candle? Well, I burned mine. I lit it and let it burn down. That was a couple of weeks ago. The world didn't end. I didn't die. Lightening didn't strike. The light is still burning bright in my soul... and I feel lighter.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
In the Backpack - Desire to Make a Difference
I want to make a difference in the world. I think that's true for all people. We want our lives to matter. We want to leave a legacy behind. I suppose the real question is... how can we do that? How can I do that? I think there are many ways of doing that. I think that there is a unique way for each and every one of us to make a difference.
When I was a kid, I played with a neighbour boy who lived two doors down. His name was Mikey and his parents were German as well. We played at my house, we played at his house, we played outside. Although his family was Lutheran, he attended the Catholic elementary school along with me. I remember that we used to play "church" in his living room. We would take turns playing the role of the priest. We would use a wine glass with grape juice and we would get some baking wafers and pretend that we were giving out communion. Kind of funny... him being a Lutheran... and me being a girl... neither one of us ever likely to be a Catholic priest. At that time, that was the career we wanted to imitate... that was how we wanted to make a difference.
Today, I think I can make a difference in many ways, my writing being a primary way. My way of being in life is another way... I think that each and every one of us can be Christ in the world. Each and every one of us can make a difference with people in our daily interactions. I just need to be open to the interactions and see how in this moment, in this place... I can make a difference and alter the world around me.
When I was a kid, I played with a neighbour boy who lived two doors down. His name was Mikey and his parents were German as well. We played at my house, we played at his house, we played outside. Although his family was Lutheran, he attended the Catholic elementary school along with me. I remember that we used to play "church" in his living room. We would take turns playing the role of the priest. We would use a wine glass with grape juice and we would get some baking wafers and pretend that we were giving out communion. Kind of funny... him being a Lutheran... and me being a girl... neither one of us ever likely to be a Catholic priest. At that time, that was the career we wanted to imitate... that was how we wanted to make a difference.
Today, I think I can make a difference in many ways, my writing being a primary way. My way of being in life is another way... I think that each and every one of us can be Christ in the world. Each and every one of us can make a difference with people in our daily interactions. I just need to be open to the interactions and see how in this moment, in this place... I can make a difference and alter the world around me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
In the Backpack - Creation
I've known for a very long time, that I recharge my spiritual batteries out in creation. I need to get out into nature, the same way that I need to eat and breathe and drink lots of water. Being in nature reconnects me to myself and to the divine. More me not to go out into nature usually ends up with me getting very cranky... very upset... very impatient... very out of sorts.
I know this... and yet... I often let it slide. The same way that I can let my prayer life slide... or drinking enough water... or eating right... or exercising. Somehow, getting out into nature pales in comparison with all the other things in my life which always seem "more important". Truth be told... I do know that me getting out into nature is critically important for my well being.
I think that's why the idea of the Sabbath... or Sunday Rest... or going to Church on Sunday... is such a good thing. We need to take time each week to reconnect with ourselves and the divine... in one form or another. The Church tells people that they need to come to Church on Sunday - the Sunday obligation... and really, it is for our own good. Except... does it have to be going to Church on Sunday, or could it be something else?
I haven't been to Church for almost 3 years and the most shocking thing is this... I don't miss it. I feel no compulsion to go back. Friends who have done the same thing, express the same sentiment, which is surprising to all of us. We all thougth that we would miss it... and we don't. Mind you, we have all found other ways of connecting with the divine.
For myself, I've gotten into the habit this past summer of going into a large urban park on a bit of a hill, with lots of walking trails. It is prairie landscape and wide open to the sky and to the world. On top of the hill, I have no sense that you are in the city... and a very deep sense of peace. For the First Nations people, this hill was a sacred spot... and I felt the sacredness long before I knew about it's history for First Nations people. For me... this is my place to reconnect with the divine... to recharge my spiritual batteries... it is my place of worship.
Now... the one good thing with Church is this... it is still warm at -20 C!! I'm not sure how it will work this winter for me... but I am going to explore the idea of getting myself seriously bundled up and going off to my sacred hill at -20 C... we'll see how it goes!
I know this... and yet... I often let it slide. The same way that I can let my prayer life slide... or drinking enough water... or eating right... or exercising. Somehow, getting out into nature pales in comparison with all the other things in my life which always seem "more important". Truth be told... I do know that me getting out into nature is critically important for my well being.
I think that's why the idea of the Sabbath... or Sunday Rest... or going to Church on Sunday... is such a good thing. We need to take time each week to reconnect with ourselves and the divine... in one form or another. The Church tells people that they need to come to Church on Sunday - the Sunday obligation... and really, it is for our own good. Except... does it have to be going to Church on Sunday, or could it be something else?
I haven't been to Church for almost 3 years and the most shocking thing is this... I don't miss it. I feel no compulsion to go back. Friends who have done the same thing, express the same sentiment, which is surprising to all of us. We all thougth that we would miss it... and we don't. Mind you, we have all found other ways of connecting with the divine.
For myself, I've gotten into the habit this past summer of going into a large urban park on a bit of a hill, with lots of walking trails. It is prairie landscape and wide open to the sky and to the world. On top of the hill, I have no sense that you are in the city... and a very deep sense of peace. For the First Nations people, this hill was a sacred spot... and I felt the sacredness long before I knew about it's history for First Nations people. For me... this is my place to reconnect with the divine... to recharge my spiritual batteries... it is my place of worship.
Now... the one good thing with Church is this... it is still warm at -20 C!! I'm not sure how it will work this winter for me... but I am going to explore the idea of getting myself seriously bundled up and going off to my sacred hill at -20 C... we'll see how it goes!
Monday, November 14, 2011
In the Backpack - Prayer
Prayer, we hear a lot about it, but what is it really? What purpose does it have? Prayer is a way of connecting with God, with the divine - traditionally through prayers of praise, thanksgiving and petition. We know those fairly well in the Catholic Church. It's the prayers of "wow", "thanks" and "I need". We've perfected those styles of prayer in the Church. The Mass is full of those various forms of prayer. But there are other forms of prayer that aren't quite so well known... contemplation, meditation.
Sometimes, when we're praying, we can end up firmly entrenched in our heads. We're thinking about our prayer - we're thinking about what to be grateful for, we're thinking about what we need, we're thinking about whether or not we're doing it right. But in our thinking... we're not really praying. Prayer comes from the heart... and is born in the stillness and silence. In the Catholic Church, at least in my experience, we're not so good with stillness and silence. I sometimes think that's why the Latin Mass is gaining popularity among young people... they are craving something different. Praying words that you don't understand gets you out of your head and your thinking.
There is of course contemplation and meditation - two prayer forms rooted in our Christian tradition. But as anyone who has attempted them knows... stilling the mind is... well, quite a challenge! It takes practice... and most of us give up long before we achieve any proficiency in it. It's also not something that most parishes promote and teach. "Come and sing and listen and speak and pray and participate at Mass". When all we really want to do is just come and listen for that voice that says "be still and know that I am God".
So what to do... well, the thing I've learned is this... contemplation/meditation and silence are the key. God is present in the silence, as Moses discovered. God is present when our minds can calm down and be still. It is then, as we peer into the mirror of our soul that we see the divine reflected clearly, not distorted by the turbulence of our thoughts and worries and concerns. If we can learn to be still and listen... amazing things can happen.
There are also many ways of meditating... from sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat, to chanting a mantra (maranatha or the Rosary or... whatever), to listening to someone else give a guided meditation. But there are other ways too... walking meditation, singing meditation, cooking meditation, gardening meditation, painting meditation, writing meditation, photography meditation. Anything in which we become so connected to the activity that we forget ourselves and are just present to what is in front of us. In those moments, our minds take a back seat and we can be recipients of divine inspiration. For myself, I love to take my camera and go for a walk and just be present to what I see around me. The praise and thanksgiving come naturally then... often in wordless murmurings of the soul and the heart... often as a smile.
As humans, we come from the divine and we are headed back to the divine. Connecting with the divine, with God, through prayer, is what draws us up that mountain. It is what gives us our direction. It is what motivates us to continue the journey. Prayer is pretty much non-negotiable... when I forget to pray, through writing or walking or just being still... the rest of my day does not go smoothly. I should know the lesson by now.... but sometimes we just need to be reminded. How do you pray? What is prayer for you?
Sometimes, when we're praying, we can end up firmly entrenched in our heads. We're thinking about our prayer - we're thinking about what to be grateful for, we're thinking about what we need, we're thinking about whether or not we're doing it right. But in our thinking... we're not really praying. Prayer comes from the heart... and is born in the stillness and silence. In the Catholic Church, at least in my experience, we're not so good with stillness and silence. I sometimes think that's why the Latin Mass is gaining popularity among young people... they are craving something different. Praying words that you don't understand gets you out of your head and your thinking.
There is of course contemplation and meditation - two prayer forms rooted in our Christian tradition. But as anyone who has attempted them knows... stilling the mind is... well, quite a challenge! It takes practice... and most of us give up long before we achieve any proficiency in it. It's also not something that most parishes promote and teach. "Come and sing and listen and speak and pray and participate at Mass". When all we really want to do is just come and listen for that voice that says "be still and know that I am God".
So what to do... well, the thing I've learned is this... contemplation/meditation and silence are the key. God is present in the silence, as Moses discovered. God is present when our minds can calm down and be still. It is then, as we peer into the mirror of our soul that we see the divine reflected clearly, not distorted by the turbulence of our thoughts and worries and concerns. If we can learn to be still and listen... amazing things can happen.
There are also many ways of meditating... from sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat, to chanting a mantra (maranatha or the Rosary or... whatever), to listening to someone else give a guided meditation. But there are other ways too... walking meditation, singing meditation, cooking meditation, gardening meditation, painting meditation, writing meditation, photography meditation. Anything in which we become so connected to the activity that we forget ourselves and are just present to what is in front of us. In those moments, our minds take a back seat and we can be recipients of divine inspiration. For myself, I love to take my camera and go for a walk and just be present to what I see around me. The praise and thanksgiving come naturally then... often in wordless murmurings of the soul and the heart... often as a smile.
As humans, we come from the divine and we are headed back to the divine. Connecting with the divine, with God, through prayer, is what draws us up that mountain. It is what gives us our direction. It is what motivates us to continue the journey. Prayer is pretty much non-negotiable... when I forget to pray, through writing or walking or just being still... the rest of my day does not go smoothly. I should know the lesson by now.... but sometimes we just need to be reminded. How do you pray? What is prayer for you?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Heading out...
When I was studying theology, I spent 4 months at the school and 4 months back home, then 2 months at school and 2 months at home. There was a lot of driving involved and I had a lot of time to think as I watched the scenery flow by, driving from prairies to mountains and back again. An image came to me once, which has stuck with me ever since.
Union with the Divine is like a mountain, and we're headed for the top. There are many paths up this mountain, many different ways of reaching the top. The Church is one of those ways, and it is following a road up the mountain. The faithful are riding on this wagon called "The Church" being led by the hierarchy and the clergy. It's a slow, methodical trip and it is travelling a very well worn pathway. Stay on that wagon and you'll probably get there. But not everybody is welcome on that wagon... and people keep getting kicked off and left behind. Some people leave and find another road with another wagon. Other people just head off on their own, heading off into the lush forest, following a path that only they can see. Sometimes in pairs, sometimes in groups, sometimes on their own.
No matter what route you take, eventually every one gets there... nobody ever gets left behind... ever. And part of the adventure is in the journey itself, not just in arriving at the destination. Part of the adventure is in discovering what lies within the forest. Sure, there's a well-trodden road over there... but what sights are they missing as they stick to the tried and true?
For me, I really connect with the adventurer and the explorer. I connect with the idea of heading out and seeing what there is to see... of discovering what there is to discover. For the last 3 years, after I got off the wagon, I've been hanging around that well trodden path, waiting to see if the church would take a new path... but no... And so now, I want to head out and discover something else. I want to tread a path that is not well trodden. I want to uncover new things.
I take a backpack of supplies with me. I have a compass - love, mercy and compassion. I have the scriptures and all that they can bring. I have the Spirit. With those... I think I'm pretty well set. Sure I might take a wrong turn, or have to make a detour occassionally... but that's part of the adventure. I'm going for it.
Union with the Divine is like a mountain, and we're headed for the top. There are many paths up this mountain, many different ways of reaching the top. The Church is one of those ways, and it is following a road up the mountain. The faithful are riding on this wagon called "The Church" being led by the hierarchy and the clergy. It's a slow, methodical trip and it is travelling a very well worn pathway. Stay on that wagon and you'll probably get there. But not everybody is welcome on that wagon... and people keep getting kicked off and left behind. Some people leave and find another road with another wagon. Other people just head off on their own, heading off into the lush forest, following a path that only they can see. Sometimes in pairs, sometimes in groups, sometimes on their own.
No matter what route you take, eventually every one gets there... nobody ever gets left behind... ever. And part of the adventure is in the journey itself, not just in arriving at the destination. Part of the adventure is in discovering what lies within the forest. Sure, there's a well-trodden road over there... but what sights are they missing as they stick to the tried and true?
For me, I really connect with the adventurer and the explorer. I connect with the idea of heading out and seeing what there is to see... of discovering what there is to discover. For the last 3 years, after I got off the wagon, I've been hanging around that well trodden path, waiting to see if the church would take a new path... but no... And so now, I want to head out and discover something else. I want to tread a path that is not well trodden. I want to uncover new things.
I take a backpack of supplies with me. I have a compass - love, mercy and compassion. I have the scriptures and all that they can bring. I have the Spirit. With those... I think I'm pretty well set. Sure I might take a wrong turn, or have to make a detour occassionally... but that's part of the adventure. I'm going for it.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The Edge...
What I've really been doing the last, oh... 3 years or so, is hovering around the edges of the Church. After the Pope made some very hurtful comments on December 23, 2008, I decided that I no longer wanted to be associated with a religion that view people like me as "pollutants" of humanity. So, I stopped going to Church... but I've been still circling around it. Still writing postings for my old parish newsletter. Still keeping up on the news. But now... I'm starting to realize that me hovering around the edges isn't all that healthy for me.
I'm not sure if I'm waiting for the Church to change. Or maybe I'm afraid to head off on my own. Not quite sure... Yet, right now, I get the sense that it's time to stop hovering around the edges and walk away. I am walking towards something new, towards life, and love, and compassion. I'm not sure what that will look like... but I suppose that is part of the adventure of life.
For me, it always comes back to this... what would Jesus be doing if he were here today? Who would he be hanging out with? Who would he be inviting to the table? Who would he be eating with. Somehow... I don't think he'd be hanging out with all the church people.... I think he'd be hanging out with the ones that aren't welcome in church. Oh, I know... the church says "all are welcome"... but there's always a caveat... "all are welcome... as long as you live a moral life". And somehow, that doesn't seem all that hospitable to me.
We've been well trained to believe that the church is the sole path to salvation... or Christianity is... whether we like to admit it or not. That is still a strong flavour of that out there. It's a dangrous place to be... outside the boundaries of the Church. But is it? What is out here? What can be discovered outside the boundaries of organized religion? I'm willing to go and take a look...
I'm not sure if I'm waiting for the Church to change. Or maybe I'm afraid to head off on my own. Not quite sure... Yet, right now, I get the sense that it's time to stop hovering around the edges and walk away. I am walking towards something new, towards life, and love, and compassion. I'm not sure what that will look like... but I suppose that is part of the adventure of life.
For me, it always comes back to this... what would Jesus be doing if he were here today? Who would he be hanging out with? Who would he be inviting to the table? Who would he be eating with. Somehow... I don't think he'd be hanging out with all the church people.... I think he'd be hanging out with the ones that aren't welcome in church. Oh, I know... the church says "all are welcome"... but there's always a caveat... "all are welcome... as long as you live a moral life". And somehow, that doesn't seem all that hospitable to me.
We've been well trained to believe that the church is the sole path to salvation... or Christianity is... whether we like to admit it or not. That is still a strong flavour of that out there. It's a dangrous place to be... outside the boundaries of the Church. But is it? What is out here? What can be discovered outside the boundaries of organized religion? I'm willing to go and take a look...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Cradle Catholic
Before I go on... let me give you a bit of my pedigree...
I come from a long line of Catholics. My parents came to Canada and when I was born I was baptized Catholic. I went to a Catholic elementary school. My mom took us to Church every Sunday, and we did extra devotions during Lent and Advent like the Stations of the Cross and the Rosary. We had an Advent Wreath at home. I celebrated all of the sacraments at the appropriate times.
When I went to UBC, I went to Church every Sunday, even if it was a 30 minute bus ride (one way). I got involved as a lector. When I moved off campus, I went to weekday Masses as well. I moved back to my home-town in the mid 1990s and was elected to Parish Council and took a lead on the Liturgy Committee. I was a lector. I attended the charismatic prayer group. I went to weekday Mass. I helped plan all the liturgical seasons and was heavily involved in the Triduum and Christmas celebrations.
I attended the Diocesan Lay Formation program, a 2 year program to educate the laity in the Catholic faith. It only whetted my appetite for more. In 2000, I studied in Edmonton for a Master of Divinity and four years later I became a Pastoral Associate in a parish in my home diocese. The Catholic Church was my life.
My Catholic pedigree is immaculate. I never strayed from the faith. In fact, I could never understand those people who only came at Christmas and Easter. I could not understand those people who left the Catholic Church to attend another denomination. I could not understand what made people stop going to Christianity entirely. I could not understand... until it happened to me.
Now I understand. I stand on the other side of the fence and I see it clearly. I walked away from a Church that I loved. I walked away because... we were no longer a match. I suppose that's the clearest way to put it. I still love scripture. I still love building bridges between scripture and our lives today. I still love the rich symbolism embodied in the Catholic faith. But there are far more things which... just don't fit anymore.
And so a new chapter begins...
I come from a long line of Catholics. My parents came to Canada and when I was born I was baptized Catholic. I went to a Catholic elementary school. My mom took us to Church every Sunday, and we did extra devotions during Lent and Advent like the Stations of the Cross and the Rosary. We had an Advent Wreath at home. I celebrated all of the sacraments at the appropriate times.
When I went to UBC, I went to Church every Sunday, even if it was a 30 minute bus ride (one way). I got involved as a lector. When I moved off campus, I went to weekday Masses as well. I moved back to my home-town in the mid 1990s and was elected to Parish Council and took a lead on the Liturgy Committee. I was a lector. I attended the charismatic prayer group. I went to weekday Mass. I helped plan all the liturgical seasons and was heavily involved in the Triduum and Christmas celebrations.
I attended the Diocesan Lay Formation program, a 2 year program to educate the laity in the Catholic faith. It only whetted my appetite for more. In 2000, I studied in Edmonton for a Master of Divinity and four years later I became a Pastoral Associate in a parish in my home diocese. The Catholic Church was my life.
My Catholic pedigree is immaculate. I never strayed from the faith. In fact, I could never understand those people who only came at Christmas and Easter. I could not understand those people who left the Catholic Church to attend another denomination. I could not understand what made people stop going to Christianity entirely. I could not understand... until it happened to me.
Now I understand. I stand on the other side of the fence and I see it clearly. I walked away from a Church that I loved. I walked away because... we were no longer a match. I suppose that's the clearest way to put it. I still love scripture. I still love building bridges between scripture and our lives today. I still love the rich symbolism embodied in the Catholic faith. But there are far more things which... just don't fit anymore.
And so a new chapter begins...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A Hundred Footer
I was at a craft fair last weekend selling some of my photo cards and books with my ex-partner. We were chatting as it was a slow Sunday with a new snowfall coating the streets in ice. A friend of ours came in and we chatted for a while with her. After she left, my ex told me that this friend calls me "a hundred footer" when she talks about me.
I had no idea what a hundred footer was and neither did my ex... so today I googled it and looked it up. Well, this is the definition, and I have to laugh, because it is so totally appropriate.
"A lesbian who typfies the stereotype to such an extent you can spot her sexuality from a hundred feet away."
I might actually modify that to say that I'm a "200 footer" but... I accept it for what it is! I think I've been fooling myself that I blend in, and apparently that is not the case. So better to just lay it all out there and let the chips fall where they may.
I've been straddling the line trying to keep a foot in the Catholic Church while still being true to who I am. Unfortunately, events over the last 3.5 months have shown me that it is actually a vain hope. More on that later. I've let my blog languish here waiting for some resolution. It's time to stop waiting. The Church is not going to change this year, and I am not going to wait for it. The train has left the station. They can catch up with me when they are ready.
For myself, I am tired of being urged by the hierarchy to be "cautious" and "careful" about speaking about my orientation, or as the hierarchy likes to say "lifestyle". Enough. Time to move on.
I had no idea what a hundred footer was and neither did my ex... so today I googled it and looked it up. Well, this is the definition, and I have to laugh, because it is so totally appropriate.
"A lesbian who typfies the stereotype to such an extent you can spot her sexuality from a hundred feet away."
I might actually modify that to say that I'm a "200 footer" but... I accept it for what it is! I think I've been fooling myself that I blend in, and apparently that is not the case. So better to just lay it all out there and let the chips fall where they may.
I've been straddling the line trying to keep a foot in the Catholic Church while still being true to who I am. Unfortunately, events over the last 3.5 months have shown me that it is actually a vain hope. More on that later. I've let my blog languish here waiting for some resolution. It's time to stop waiting. The Church is not going to change this year, and I am not going to wait for it. The train has left the station. They can catch up with me when they are ready.
For myself, I am tired of being urged by the hierarchy to be "cautious" and "careful" about speaking about my orientation, or as the hierarchy likes to say "lifestyle". Enough. Time to move on.
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